Today i woke and looked at myself....
I see someone consumed by their feelings.
Someone hurting but no direction to channel the hurt.
Why do i do this to myself?
Why didn't i stick to my goals, my plans my wants and desires?
The funny thing is all of my choices to date have brought me just as much happiness as sorrow but even at my happiness my choices and mistakes drag me down.
I can't get out of my own head.
My goals in life are simple:
Raise a happy family
Be financially secure
Be healthy
Soooooooo simple yet i haven't attained them.
My family is loving but my daughter is struggling, i don't feel i will get anymore children due to my health (my weight) and my temper is unpredictable which means i feel my behaviour is abusive towards my husband and daughter.
We are picking up the pieces to be financially where we want to be but if my husband lost his job or a major unexpected bill came in we would be stuffed - we keep building up towards our goals and spend every last dollar towards them and then have to scrap back up onto our feet for the next one.
Be healthy hahahahahahahahahaha i am a self confessed emotional eater who knows what she has to do to get healthy but never sticks to it of breaks down over time back into unhealthy habits even after the so called time period for new habits should have formed. I have battled with my weight from the age of about 7 years old - i remember people (grown adults) telling me i would be pretty if i lost weight or that their concerns were out of love - screw you guys - i love my body - it is doing the best it can with what i do to it and what i put in it - my body isn't the problem i am!
No one believes me when i tell them how much i weigh ..... i am stronger than the average fat person and i didn't get this way from a soft drink habit or eating junk food at every meal so its not soo easy to just give up food which we need for fuel.
I spend many days scared to eat - scared of when i'm going to break - when i will fail this time.
My goals haven't be a strong enough motivator, love and shame haven't either. So i don't know what will.
Today i put on my runners because i don't have any other choice or ideas. I just have to try.
