Again i am starting a fresh for the 1000 time.....

Today i woke and looked at myself....

I see someone consumed by their feelings.

Someone hurting but no direction to channel the hurt.

Why do i do this to myself?

Why didn't i stick to my goals, my plans my wants and desires?

The funny thing is all of my choices to date have brought me just as much happiness as sorrow but even at my happiness my choices and mistakes drag me down.

I can't get out of my own head.

My goals in life are simple:

Raise a happy family
Be financially secure
Be healthy

Soooooooo simple yet i haven't attained them.

My family is loving but my daughter is struggling, i don't feel i will get anymore children due to my health (my weight) and my temper is unpredictable which means i feel my behaviour is abusive towards my husband and daughter.

We are picking up the pieces to be financially where we want to be but if my husband lost his job or a major unexpected bill came in we would be stuffed - we keep building up towards our goals and spend every last dollar towards them and then have to scrap back up onto our feet for the next one.

Be healthy hahahahahahahahahaha i am a self confessed emotional eater who knows what she has to do to get healthy but never sticks to it of breaks down over time back into unhealthy habits even after the so called time period for new habits should have formed. I have battled with my weight from the age of about 7 years old - i remember people (grown adults) telling me i would be pretty if i lost weight or that their concerns were out of love - screw you guys - i love my body - it is doing the best it can with what i do to it and what i put in it - my body isn't the problem i am!

No one believes me when i tell them how much i weigh ..... i am stronger than the average fat person and i didn't get this way from a soft drink habit or eating junk food at every meal so its not soo easy to just give up food which we need for fuel.  

I spend many days scared to eat - scared of when i'm going to break - when i will fail this time.

My goals haven't be a strong enough motivator, love and shame haven't either. So i don't know what will.

Today i put on my runners because i don't have any other choice or ideas. I just have to try.

Misery like company

I don't think it applies to all mental health bit i'm starting to feel the ones who are struggling with it seek out others that they can suck the happiness out of.

I think many people what others to be happy if they are and sad if they are.

When did we become a society that doesn't care for each other and wants others to be unhappy to help them justify that they hate there own lives.

Why can't we bring each other up ?

I'm going to start sending out little notes and packages to my friends that i haven't been able to catch up with.

Share the love and happiness.... We All Deserve To Be Happy!

Where did my energy go?

I woke up this morning and looked around in the dark morning light.

A moment of clear mind where i could lay there and not have to think, just feel.

But when i finally gave into my bladder. All clarity was gone and replaced with a woozy mess.

I sit here in a daze after going through my morning routine. Seeing my partner and child off to school.

Why is it sooo hard to be awake yet when its time to think i either don't want to or can't.

Why are we biologically designed to destroy ourselves??

Why can't we do the things we know are good for us?

Why can't humanity sort out there shit??

I want peace

Can i please just have some peace?

I live my life to the best i can.

I don't hurt anyone else.

I teach my kids to live well and to respect others.

I just want to wake up, work, have family/us/alone time then be able to put my head down at night with the knowledge that everything is right in my world.

Is that tooo much to ask for?

Apparently it is!

He has no right!

I have been made to consult my ex on parenting decisions made.

So a simple signing my daughter up for a sport process is now a open for my ex to text me non stop on how he is a parent and her ONLY one according to him. That my loving and supportive partner isn't her father and he will take me down in court.

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

What the FUCK?

Who in there right mind would give him this freedom.

The freedom to harass me

The freedom to hurt me

The freedom to use our daughter

The freedom to hurt our family

and

To be selfish!

Well i thought i had a voice...

I try to speak my mind

To get my message across

A reach for help

Looking for a ray of light

The hand of guidance

Seeking advice

Shoot down due to others pride

Never been able to express myself

Always trapped by what i want to say

I gave up a long time ago

Got the courage to try again

Alas shot down again!

I have a voice

I have a voice

I have a brain

I have feelings

I have power over my actions

I will get through this

I will get better

I will work hard

I will make my family feel loved

I will be happy!