Why i think life is out to get me...

From a early age i have felt like many people around me have gotten a helping hand in life.

The lucky ones who never seem to get caught doing bad things, the ones who always got things handed to them on a silver platter and the ones who no matter what they seem to do to their bodies came out on top!

In adulthood it is no different!

The ones who can eat or drink without being fat or hungover.

The ones who never get sick or have beautiful pregnacies dispite treating their bodies like crap!

The ones who got that job or promotion when they never did any of the work!

I've always felt I'm the one who always got the negatives.

I've played the why me card plenty of times.

The why am i gaining weight when i eat the same or healthier than everyone else around me, why do i have to struggle and work so hard for the same things as everyone else?

To the point now when good things happen to me i lose my shit and can't handle it.

In the last couple of years i've seen people buy the houses of my dreams, have the children i've always wanted (yes i have one and between the pregnancy from hell, the illness and transplant and now the lack of socialization which puts her behind and makes her struggle - which is something i never wanted for my or anyone elses child) and i sit here so wrapped up in planning for weddings and holidays and my dream house which i think i subconsciously don't believe i will ever get and do i even deserve??

Today i am upset because once again i haven't gotten the help i need in life. I went to the doctors to see if i can get my contraception implant changed over to a new one because lets face it my hormones are going crazy and i left feeling sad and confused. I tried to maintain some dignity as i left but i feel like i never get the help i need - not to say i didn't disagree with the doctor but he put more accurate contraception over the fact im going crazy. I won't need contraception if my partner leaves me cos im sending him nuts too.

I have lost all energy to rant and i'm pretty sure i haven't explained what has happened and probably not 100% sure either.

I'm going to go curl up into a ball and wait out this feeling before having to go join life again in the next hour.