Not sure where i am at....

So here i sit on a friday afternoon, don't get me wrong this week has been crazy but good.

I have found a happy space in my head, have a clean (ish) house and am working on behavior and routine with my daughter.

Why am i unhappy today?     Well a long time friend of mine is not coping and today is her birthday.

This friend has been there in the tough times, has dropped everything for me and my daughter and has been like a partner to me.

But i have moved on and life has changed over time and i have changed and so has she...

Losing her job and several failed relationships later and i can see the light in this amazing lady is going out.

This wonderful person has been crushed by her family, friends and even by the fathers of her kids. It's no wonder she struggles to maintain happiness, but the worry i have is that she finds solace in cigarettes and alcohol.

I find for me who is on the edge of unhappiness so often these days i can not have such destructive energy in my life... but she has been one of my closest friends!

 We have always prided ourselves on having such a close and tight friendship that we could tell each other anything... but can i really?

I want to tell her...

That i feel like she takes over!

That i feel shes keeping me in her life to spend time with my daughter.

That i can't condone the drinking.

That i don't want to lose our friendship.

That i'm sorry if she feels she can't come to me when she has a problem.

That i love her and our friendship.

I WANT to fix this because i know the alternative is to lose it.
  

Why i think life is out to get me...

From a early age i have felt like many people around me have gotten a helping hand in life.

The lucky ones who never seem to get caught doing bad things, the ones who always got things handed to them on a silver platter and the ones who no matter what they seem to do to their bodies came out on top!

In adulthood it is no different!

The ones who can eat or drink without being fat or hungover.

The ones who never get sick or have beautiful pregnacies dispite treating their bodies like crap!

The ones who got that job or promotion when they never did any of the work!

I've always felt I'm the one who always got the negatives.

I've played the why me card plenty of times.

The why am i gaining weight when i eat the same or healthier than everyone else around me, why do i have to struggle and work so hard for the same things as everyone else?

To the point now when good things happen to me i lose my shit and can't handle it.

In the last couple of years i've seen people buy the houses of my dreams, have the children i've always wanted (yes i have one and between the pregnancy from hell, the illness and transplant and now the lack of socialization which puts her behind and makes her struggle - which is something i never wanted for my or anyone elses child) and i sit here so wrapped up in planning for weddings and holidays and my dream house which i think i subconsciously don't believe i will ever get and do i even deserve??

Today i am upset because once again i haven't gotten the help i need in life. I went to the doctors to see if i can get my contraception implant changed over to a new one because lets face it my hormones are going crazy and i left feeling sad and confused. I tried to maintain some dignity as i left but i feel like i never get the help i need - not to say i didn't disagree with the doctor but he put more accurate contraception over the fact im going crazy. I won't need contraception if my partner leaves me cos im sending him nuts too.

I have lost all energy to rant and i'm pretty sure i haven't explained what has happened and probably not 100% sure either.

I'm going to go curl up into a ball and wait out this feeling before having to go join life again in the next hour.

ok so i'm not engaged but...

I am planning my dream wedding with my soul mate and have even started buying supplies for it.

Planning may have started weeks into my relationship with my amazing partner.

It all started on our first date when after i told him that my favorite movie of all time is Beauty and the Beast. He told me a story of how he told his mum when he was little that he wanted to marry Belle.

So through our love of all things Disney and Geeky and feeling like we were meant to be and will be together forever we started planning together dispute no actual proposal.

Don't get me wrong its not one of those engagements where a couple agrees to get engaged and its done - i expect him to propose and i feel like he wants to do it too.

And it isn't me steam rolling him - i have asked him if i didn't want to get married would he still want to? and he was clear that he would (even came up with a way to trick me into it) :P see were both crazy so perfect for each other right??

Any who despite going back up to 122kgs because of some very minor (i was very restrained over our weekend) treats on the weekend (we had a movie outing with friends Friday and a friends birthday Saturday) in which i even smashed through my 10,000 steps both days, i'm still happy because my man encouraged me to work on our wedding plans (ill do heaps for a couple of weeks then start going bridezilla and stop completely for some time)

The place i want to get married gave me a quote a while back which would have totally blown our budget ($14,000 - $15,000) and wouldn't allowed us to do/get the other things we wanted.

To be honest i have a problem with spending even $14,000 on one big party... yes i would like the big party but is the money worth it?? Come on i would rather a deposit for a house.

Soooo why am i happy today ?

Because after his latest encouragement i have had several wedding breakthroughs this weekend

1. We found cardboard that matches our theme colours (Royal Blue & Gold) for 50cents a sheet because a newsagents near us is closing down so i brought every last sheet and it was exactly the right number sheets for us
2. We wrote a guest list and got numbers down enough to be able to keep the location i want
3. I got a quote from the celebrant at the top of my list and it was for almost $500 cheaper than i had budgeted as long as we have it in June rather then May
4. Then because part of the discounted price for the celebrant was because of the month i went back to the venue i want for the wedding and asked them about June and they can take $30 per head off to do it one month later!!! so that would save us nearly $1,500 (June being our anniversary of when we met i am really ok with this)

So things for the wedding are going well. My daughter is at her new kinder today (this being her second day of the new one - she was being picked on at the old one) and she has already made a friend and was sooo happy to go which is a lovely change to the old one. The only other news from today is we have booked our meeting with our lawyers to discuss our options to proceed towards a custody agreement.

So tho a few unpleasant things, i am feeling productive and happy and that's all i can try to achieve in life. 

Cheers

Skye

Clean eating food lists i have found

I don't really support any particular diet and frankly you have to find the one that works for you.

I like keeping things as natural and unprocessed as possible but in saying that i wouldn't drink non processed milk (and yes i love drinking milk). So these 3 lists/infographics got my attention and hope they help if your looking for something similar.

 I love how well set out this infographic is - pretty and informative :p

These lists are a great starting point and remind me i have options and they don't have to be boring. 

I should point out there is a few things on this list that i either have no idea what they are or wouldn't go out of my way to pay the over priced cost so each to their own :)

 

Happy eating <3

These are my Goals

This year will be MY year...

I WILL be a healthier and possibly leaner version of me!

I WILL look after my appearance more.

I WILL find security for my finances and mental health.

And the most important...

I WILL finally get custody of my daughter rubber stamped.

To do these things i need to do:

Health:

• Eat a balanced and healthy diet (yest i call it a diet - i no longer see diet as a dirty word.)
• Exercise 3+ days a week (I've signed up to a Gym/pool but it doesn't open till July)
• Drink 2-3ltrs of water a day.

Appearance:

• I am getting laser treatment because i can grow a full beard if i let it grow (yes its a patchy teenage porno beard but that's not the point)
• Getting my teeth cleaned every 6 months (hurts more then a filling and i get those without anesthetic if they are small so i have a high pain tolerance)
• Going to wash my pimple prone skin and exfoliate properly (not once every blue moon when Venus is in Saturn's shadow like i currently do) Yes i know i don't girly well.
• Grow out my hair (yes it looks long enough in the photo but I've always wanted bum length hair and I've always dyed it and wreaked my hair (18 months ago i got it cut as short as possible to cut off the damaged hair from a bleach job gone wrong from a woman who had no clue)

 Finances:

• Mainly just not buy sooo much crap that i don't need 
• Sell off clothes that still have their price tag on that I've never and will probable never wear.
• Pay off credit card that i should never have gotten 
• Find out my credit score thingie and find out how to make it neutral if not positive. 

Mental health:

• I will be regularly writing on here to keep focus on my goals
• keep house better (better environment means better health)
• Work on sleep and relaxation
• Take baths, spend time with friends and do all those little things i never have time for.
• Have breaks from my child to recharge and work on being a better mum

Custody:

• Write parenting plan
• Meet with my lawyers to make sure i am asking/ doing the right things
• Wait and see what my ex wants and try to find a happy compromise.

I think that is a lot of things to do but at the same time many are either small or out of my control at the end of the day I've got to try to do my best and hopefully it's enough to get a outcome that works for everyone.

Cheers

Skye

This was me and this is where i am at...

So this was me the first week of this year...

25 years old

weight: 140kgs

Height: 173cm

Size 18/20 top 22/24 pants


Waist: 125cm

Hips: 148cm

For the first 11 weeks of this year i worked hard and fell of the wagon hard at times but i managed to lose 10kgs in 11 weeks through counting calories, limiting processed foods and a few different exercise programs. 

Then...

I fell off the wagon totally - i hurt my foot while exercising, i didn't care what i put into my body and i stressed, didn't sleep and binge ate.

Now its week 18 of 2015 (i think) and i had (when i weighed myself on Monday) put back on 3.5kgs. I was going to just try to maintain while i got through the stressful time i was having and a little weight gain is fine (everyone fluctuates) and i believe i do by about 2kgs but a extra 3.5kgs was heading towards putting it ALL back on so from Monday i cut processed carbs back out of my diet, worked on eating breakfast again and decided to try for a 1,800 cals a day diet (previous was 1,400 cals a day) and trying to do at least my 10,000 steps a day.

As of this morning when i weighted myself i now weigh 131.6kgs !!! YAY its working.

I know that by eating better i will improve everything about my life and i don't believe in starving myself so in the next few weeks i need to teach myself better habits and food prep skills.

So that was me and the new me is under construction (see goals post)

Cheers

Skye

From the start...

Hi,

I'm Skye and i have no idea what i am doing...

I have pretty much winged it to this point in life.

I am:

 A stay at home mum of 1 gorgeous little girl 

Partnered to the most kind and patient man on the planet

A craft addict

25 years old

and this year is MY year

I promised myself that this year i would face my problems

I am also:

Over weight

Stressed out

Have high anxiety

and for the first time in my life i am battling Depression.

Many people who know me (which no one who sees this should) think that i have good reasons for being the above.

In the past few years i have supported my little girl while she battled chronic illness and underwent a transplant to reset her immune system, separated from my daughters father (a emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship), had a few other short unhealthy relationships, trying to get my daughter to a level where she can go to school like other kids and now that life is starting to look normal i am going through custody proceedings with my ex who due to mental illness isn't a healthy role model and anything but a active father.

To be honest i have blocked out much of what has happened to my daughter and due to having to dig up what my ex put me through (much of that i had blocked out too) i can't remember much good (which there was).

Now i just want to be happy and healthy and put the past behind me.

I'm starting this so i can try to do that.

Cheers

Skye